Life is overwhelming right now.
In past entries, I’ve expressed a desire to be stable in my life. Stable with some sort of job I enjoyed for the time being, as well as stable in a relationship.
I have both right now. I like my new job, even though it is retail management. I keep trying to tell myself what Amanda told me- that it takes a certain person to stay in retail and succeed.
I’m engaged, and while I’ve been told by friends that it’s refreshing to hear how sure I am about the whole idea of marriage, my Dad keeps saying, “Wait until the day of the wedding… you’ll be nervous then. Right now is when the groom should be nervous.”
But Dan isn’t nervous. My Dad even said Dan doesn’t seem nervous about the whole idea of marriage.
I’m trying not to analyze that thought and jeopardize the stability of what I have right now.
We have a plan. I’m going back to school- it’s a sure thing. Next fall, after the wedding, I’m going to start taking real estate classes in the evenings and on my days off. It will give me something to do in the evenings and pursue something that has been in the back of my head for about two years now. Then, I’ll work towards my MBA. And we’ll see where that takes me.
Life is funny… to see where everyone ends up. I would have never thought that I would end up in , for college or for my life. But I’ve been to other cities and there’s always a feeling that I get when I come back to . That it’s home. I don’t know if I would feel that with any other city, and some might say that I haven’t ventured out much to know. But I do know that home is where the heart is, as cheesy as it sounds, but my family is here- the most important links- and I will say that is a nice place to grow up.
My friends are scattered all over the . Some are planning on moving again to start a career; some are looking for careers in new cities. Some are getting married; some are getting divorced.
I can tend to over think too much, which is why it doesn’t surprise me that I’m over thinking the idea of marriage. What it means, if I should even conform to something that is closely associated to religion, and religion being something that I tend to shy away from, not in disdain but perplexity. Why it doesn’t last, wondering if people were too young to take that step or just grew too far apart to mend the broken pieces. Why people choose marriage in the first place over just living together and dealing with not having the title of marriage.
It must be important for people to be in an uproar about wanting the right to marry- which I think everyone should have. And it must be important because this whole wedding day nonsense is what it is- nonsense! I can’t lie- I want a wedding, and a fairy tale day… with some mishaps, I don’t want to be too unrealistic. But when diving into the details- videographers? Tulle? Oh, how I loathe tulle.
I think photographers are the worst, no offense to my wonderful friends that are photographers. I’d hire one of you in a second if I wasn’t concerned with having you enjoy the day versus working… but seriously! I love digital image manipulation, but when it comes to wedding photography, I want the basics. Clean-cut traditional images. I can discolor a flower myself in Adobe… please! Send me normal photographers!
Ahh, venting. I have exactly 9 months from today to do all the venting I want about wedding planning. I think I’d rather plan someone else’s wedding than plan my own. I can think of a zillion ideas for other weddings versus planning something that I’m going to look back on and say, “Yes, I did everything I wanted to” because I know there’s going to be something I forget.
Have I mentioned that my Mom tends to drive me insane these days? God love her, but god love the day the wedding is over!
I don’t know that my life is missing much other than some excitement on the social front. For the past couple of weeks, I’ll look over at the clock when Dan and I are getting ready for bed and sigh- it normally reads before ten o’ clock in the evening. And that’s even on our ‘weekends’ according to our very unstable schedules. While I know it’s healthier for me to get the full eight hours of sleep- and I’m going to be dragging tomorrow because it’s way past my current bed time- and it feels better to get more accomplished during the day, my social life has decreased.
Hopefully it will get better with the arrival of some friends during the Thanksgiving holiday. And especially the Christmas holiday. Morgan owes me a night out when she comes back during the holidays.
But I don’t want married life to be the non-existence of going out with friends and having a good time. I’m not expecting to have children in the next two years much less the next five, so I hope after the wedding… or at least during holiday breaks when my friends should come home more it will pick up.
And yes, my few readers, that is the update for now. Don’t expect too many updates in the next nine months, but I’ll try to keep you informed…
Who knew that my interesting week could get any better by Dan proposing to me yesterday. In conjunction with my soulmate Morgan, they planned a proposal that surprised me... and that I'll remember forever. :-)
Not only am I grateful for a wonderful fiance' (that's weird to say), but I'm grateful that Morgan was willing to share her night- her going away party- with me.
That's a big enough update. More later.
Today was Dan's brother Scott's 28th birthday. Immediately I knew I was going to get him a gift certificate to a book store since he loves to read- but I knew I was in trouble once I walked in the store.
While many people would assume the mall in general is my biggest weakness, it's not. The bookstore is my biggest weakness when it comes to my pocketbook. I love walking into a store full of books to peruse, as well as nick nacks like planners (another favorite), cards, picture frames, and all the extra stuff the book retailers add to suck me into their trap.
I've never been a fan of the library. I would rather own a book. It takes awhile to persuade me to buy it in the first place, so something about it has to intrigue me. And, I do like to re-read books over and over.
I went to Border's. Chain bookstores aren't my favorite- a new one opened tw
o stores down from me that's independently owned and it's wonderful. They have the widest variety of magazines- and I love magazines, especially the ones that aren't widely circulated and anything on the royal families- as well as the best stock of books I had seen in town- and that's compared to Barnes and Noble, the other book store chain.
Along with Scott's gift card, I walked out of the store with four books. They were having a sale- buy two, get the third free on certain books... so I ended up with the following:
- The Piano Shop on the Left Bank by Thad Carhart
- Maybe a Miracle by Brian Strause
- Teacher Man by Frank McCourt <-- Dan's Mom recommended this one
- Freddy and Fredericka by Mark Helprin
I know I'll start with Freddy and Fredericka. I've been reminding myself for awhile to get this book because one of my friends recommended it to me,
Another weakness? The movie Meet Joe Black. Despite being a box-office flop, I love it. It's an enchanting movie, and addicting to watch over and over just to hear the script. It's not necessarily a love story, but a film about life, and the importance of it. The writing is superb, and despite being lengthy, I could watch it over and over for the one quote from Anthony Hopkins:
"Love is passion, obsession, someone you can't live without. If you don't start with that, what are you going to end up with? Fall head over heels. I say find someone you can love like crazy and who'll love you the same way back. And how do you find him? Forget your head and listen to your heart. I'm not hearing any heart. Run the risk, if you get hurt, you'll come back. Because, the truth is there is no sense living your life without this. To make the journey and not fall deeply in love - well, you haven't lived a life at all. You have to try. Because if you haven't tried, you haven't lived."
Yes. I'm a sap. :-)
While I thought that I was learning how to live, I have been learning how to die. -Leonardo da Vinci
My Mom's uncle passed yesterday. I'm numb to the idea right now. Being my 'great uncle', most people would assume that it wouldn't effect me. But, death has an effect on me. At first I'm numb. Then I cry. Then I over analyze death.
I knew Uncle Vic. My fondest memories of him were when I was younger. My parents went on a business trip and left my brother and I with my Mom's parents. My grandparents were going to a wedding in Nashville, so we tagged along with my three cousins and two of my Mom's youngest cousins, one being my Uncle Vic's daughter. I was young to get drawn in by silly things- my Uncle Vic used to tease my brother and I about the 'snapper' as he liked to call it. He'd snap his fingers, but do it behind our backs so that it would startle or surprise it. He'd laugh, and do it again.
My Uncle Vic was vivacious. Originally from New York, he carried his accent with him to Georgia. Despite being in Georgia for so many years, his accent never changed. I love his accent. And the fact that he was shorter than most men and wore some of the craziest pants. They were the type of pants a mobster that wasn't into suits would wear in the eighties- the ones with the vast designs, full, and with pleats- so out of style for this decade, but so in style for Uncle Vic. I think some of my cousins used to make fun of his nose- he was Italian. Anyone who is Italian knows that they have a decent sized nose.
I knew him as my Uncle Vic. In some sense, he was as much an Uncle to me as he was to my Mom. Though I might not have the same amount of memories as my Mom, I still remember him quite vividly.
He was very sick when he died. He had to have dialysis on a weekly basis, and on the way home, he had to go to the bathroom. My Aunt Louise took him to the closest super market. My grandparents were at the supermarket. Louise helped him to the bathroom and he passed out. My grandfather tried to hold him up, tried to wake him up. But he died in my grandfather's arms.
Now I'm crying. I don't know if it's right to be upset. I don't really understand death, but I stick to my belief that everything happens for a reason- and that he's in a happier place, much healthier than he was here with us on earth. I'm not so sure what that place is. I don't know how I feel about a heaven or a hell, but I believe in an afterlife.
But I do believe...
The existence of ours is as transient as autumn clouds. To watch the bird and death of beings is like looking at the movements of a dance. A lifetime is a flash of lightning in the sky. Rushing by, like a torrent down a steep mountain. - Buddha (c. 563- c. 483 B.C.)
New blog. New job.
I've realized through changing little things in my life that there is a big picture. I miss writing. And amongst all the other blogging sites, I've settled on Vox to chronicle my life right now.
And what is my life? I've graduated from college. My Dad said this is a mile marker in life, that I should be proud to get through it. Now it just means I'm out in the real world trying to find my place. And I've settled with retail for awhile... settle makes it sound like a bad thing. Over the past couple of days, I've realized that I really do love retail. It's the change from day to day. Even though there are those tasks that have to be done on a daily basis, I see different people in the store on a daily basis. There's always new merchandise. There's always something new. So, for now, we'll see where this goes.
